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Home » Family Articles » The Family Cycle I Euphoric And Dysphoric Cycles In Marriage

The Family Cycle (I) - Euphoric and Dysphoric Cycles in Marriage

Despite all the fashionable theories of marriage, the narratives and the feminists, the reasons to engage in marriage largely remain the same. True, there have been role reversals and new stereotypes have cropped up. But the biological, physiological and biochemical facts were less amenable to modern criticisms of culture. Men are still men and women are still women in more than one respect.

Men and women marry for the same reasons:

The Sexual Dyad â€" formed due to sexual attraction and in order to secure a stable, consistent and permanently available source of sexual gratification.

The Economic Dyad â€" To form a functioning economic unit within which the economic activities of the members of the dyad and of additional entrants will be concentrated. The economic unit generates more wealth than it consumes and the synergy between its members is likely to lead to gains in production and in productivity relative to individual efforts and investment.

The Social Dyad â€" The members of the couple bond as a result of implicit or explicit, direct, or indirect social pressure. This pressure can manifest itself in numerous forms. In Judaism, a person cannot belong to some religious vocations, unless he is married. This is economic pressure. In most human societies, avowed bachelors are considered to be socially deviant and abnormal. They are condemned by society, ridiculed, shunned and isolated, effectively ex-communicated. Partly to avoid these sanctions and partly to enjoy the warmth provided by conformity and acceptance, couples marry. Today, a myriad of lifestyles is on offer. The old fashioned, nuclear marriage is one of many variants. Children are reared by single parents. Homosexual couples abound. But in all this turbulence, a pattern is discernible : almost 95% of the adult population gets married ultimately. They settle into a two-member arrangement, whether formalized and sanctioned religiously or legally â€" or not.

The Companionship Dyad â€" Formed by adults in search of sources of long-term and stable support, emotional warmth, empathy, care, good advice and intimacy. The members of these couples tend to define themselves as each other's best friends.

It is folk wisdom to state that the first three types of dyad arrangements suffer from instability. Sexual attraction wanes and is replaced by sexual attrition in most cases. This could lead to the adoption of non-conventional sexual behaviour patterns (sexual abstinence, group sex, couple swapping, etc.) â€" or to recurrent marital infidelity. Economics are not sufficient grounds for a lasting relationship, either. In today's world, both partners are potentially financially independent. This new found autonomy corrodes the old patriarchal-domineering-disciplinarian pattern of relationship. It is replaced by a more balanced, business like, version with children and the couple's welfare and life standard as the products. Marriages based solely on these considerations and motivations are as easy to dismantle and as likely to unravel as is any other business collaboration. Social pressures are a potent maintainer of family cohesiveness and apparent stability. But â€" being enforced from the outside â€" it resembles detention rather than a voluntary arrangement, with the same level of happiness to go with it. Moreover, social norms, peer pressure, social conformity â€" cannot be relied upon to fulfil the roles of stabilizer and shock absorber reliably. Norms change, peer pressure can adversely influence the survival of the marriage ("If all my friends are divorced and apparently content, why shouldn't I try it, too ?").

It is only the companionship dyad, which appears to be enduring. Friendships deepen with time. While sex deteriorates, economic motives are reversible or voidable, and social norms are fickle â€" companionship, like wine, gets better with time. Even when planted on the most desolate land, under the most difficult and insidious circumstances â€" this obdurate seed sprouts and blossoms. "Matchmaking is done in heaven" goes the old Jewish saying but Jewish matchmakers were not averse to lending the divine process a hand. After closely scrutinizing the background of both candidates â€" male and female â€" a marriage was pronounced. In other cultures, marriages were arranged by prospective or actual fathers without asking for the embryos or the toddlers' consent.

The surprising fact is that arranged marriages last much longer than those, which are, ostensibly, the result of romantic love. Moreover: the longer a couple cohabitates prior to the marriage, the higher the likelihood of divorce. So, romantic love and cohabitation ("getting to know each other better") are negative precursors and predictors of marital longevity, contrary to commonsense.

Companionship grows out of friction within a formal arrangement, which is devoid of "escape clauses". In marriages where divorce is not an option (due to prohibitive economic or social costs or because of legal impossibility) â€" companionship will grudgingly develop and with it contentment, if not happiness. Companionship is the offspring of pity and empathy and shared events and fears and common suffering and the wish to protect and to shield and habit forming. Sex is fire â€" companionship is old slippers: comfortable, static, useful, warm, secure. We get attached very quickly and very thoroughly to that with which we are in constant touch. This is a reflex that has to do with survival. We attach to other mothers and have our mothers attach to us. In the absence of social interactions, we die younger. We need to bond and to create dependency in others.

The marital cycle is composed of euphorias and dysphorias (which are more of the nature of panic). They are the source of our dynamism in seeking out mates, copulating, coupling (marrying) and reproducing. The source of these changing moods is to be found in the meaning that we attach to our marriages. They constitute the real, irrevocable, irreversible and serious entry into adult society. Previous rites of passage (like the Jewish Bar Mitzvah, the Christian Communion and more exotic rites elsewhere) prepare us only partially to the shock of realizing that we are about to emulate our parents.

During the first years of our lives, we tend to view our parents as omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent demigods (or complete gods). Our perception of them, of ourselves and of the world is magical. All are entangled, constantly interacting, identity interchanging entities. Our parents are idealized and, then, as we get disillusioned, they are internalized to become the first and most important among the myriad of inner voices that guide our lives. As we grow up (adolescence) we rebel against our parents (in the final phases of identity formation) and then learn to accept them and to resort to them in times of need. But the primordial gods of our infancy never die, nor do they lie dormant. They lurk in our superego, conducting an incessant dialogue with the other structures of our personality. They constantly criticize and analyse, make suggestions and reproach. The hiss of these voices is the background radiation of our personal big bang.

Thus, to get married, is to become gods, to commit sacrilege, to violate the very existence of our mother and father, to defile the inner sanctum of our formative years. This is a rebellion so momentous, so all encompassing, touching upon the very foundation of our personality â€" that we shudder in anticipation of the imminent and, no doubt, horrible punishment that awaits us for being so presumptuous and iconoclastic. This, indeed, is the first dysphoria, which accompanies our mental preparations. Preparedness is achieved at a cost of great consternation and the activation of a host of primitive defence mechanisms, which lay dormant hitherto. We deny, we regress, we repress, we project â€" to no avail. The battle is waged and it is horrific to behold. Luckily, only its echoes reach our consciousness and only in our dreams does it find a fuller (though more symbol laden) expression.

This self-induced panic is the result of a conflict. On the one hand, the person knows that it is absolutely life threatening to remain alone (both biologically and psychologically). A feeling of urgency emerges which propels the person with a great thrust to find a mate. On the other hand, there is this feeling of impending disaster, that he is doing something wrong, that an act of blasphemy and sacrilege is in the making. Getting married is the most terrifying rite of passage. The reaction is to confine oneself to known territories. The terra cognita of one's neighbourhood, country, language, race, culture, language, background, profession, social stratum, education. The individual defines himself by belonging to these groups. They imbue him with feelings of security and firmness. It is to them that he applies in his quest to find a mate. There, in the confidence of yore, he seeks to find the security of morrow. Solace can be found in familiar grounds. The panicked person can be calmed and restored among his peers and (mental, economic, social) brethren. No wonder that more than 80% of the marriages take place among members of the same social class, profession, race, creed and breed. True: the chances to come across a mate are bigger within these groups and associations â€" but the more predominant reason is the comfort that it provides. The dysphoria is replaced by an euphoria.

This is the euphoria, which naturally accompanies any triumph in life. Overcoming the panic is such a triumph and not a mean one at that. Subduing the internal tyrants (or guides, depending on the character of the primary objects) of yesteryear qualifies the young adult to become one himself. He cannot become a parent unless and until he eradicates his parents. This is patricide and matricide committed with great trepidation and pain. But the victory is rewarding all the same and it leads to feelings of renewed vigour, new-found optimism, sensations of omnipotence and other traces of magical thinking. The adult is ready to court his mate, woo her, hypnotize her into being his. He is full of the powers of life, of hormones, of energy. He gushes forth, he resounds with the tintinnabulation's of a better future, his eyes glint, his speech revives. In short, he is immersed in romantic love. Being a suitor is a full time emotional job. The chances of success are enhanced the more mentally and emotionally available is the youth, the less burdened he is with past unresolved conflicts. The more successfully resolved the previous, dysphoric phase â€" the more vigorous the ensuing euphoric one and the bigger the chances of mating, generation and reproduction.

But our conflicts are never really put to eternal rest. They lie dormant in the waiting. The next anti-climatic dysphoric phase transpires when the attempts to secure (the consent of) a mate are met with success. It is easier and more satisfying to dream. Fighting for a cause is always preferable to the dreariness of materializing it. Mundane routine is the enemy of love and of optimism. This is where all dreams end and harsh reality intrudes with its uncompromising demands. The assent of the future spouse forces the youth to move forward in a path which grows irreversible and ominous as he progresses. The emotional investment is about to acquire economic and social dimensions. The weight is growing heavier, the commitment deeper, the escape remoter, the end inevitable. The person feels trapped, shackled, threatened. His newfound stability flounders. He staggers along a way of no return leading to what looks like a dead end. The strength of these negative emotions depends, to a very large extent, on the parental models of the individual and on the kind of family life that he experienced. The worse the earlier (and only) available example â€" the mightier the sense of entrapment and resulting paranoia and backlash.

But most people overcome this stage fright and proceed to formalize a relationship. They get married in a religious institution, or in a civil court, or sign a contract, or make their own arrangements. The formality resides in the institutionalization of the relationship â€" not necessarily in the choice of the legal host. This decision, this leap of faith is the corridor, which leads to the palatial hall of post-nuptial euphoria.

This time the euphoria is mostly a social reaction. The new status (just married) bears a cornucopia of social rewards and incentives, some of them enshrined in legislation. Economic benefits, social approval, familial support, the envious reactions of the younger, the expectations and joys of marriage (freely available sex, children, lack of parental or societal control, newly experienced unrestrained and almost unconstrained freedoms). All these infuse the person with another magical bout of feelings of omnipotence. The control that he exercises over his "lebensraum", over his spouse, over his life is translated into a fountain of mental forces emanating from the person's very being. He feels confidence, his self esteem skyrockets, he sets high goals and seriously intends to achieve them. To him, everything is possible, now that he is left to his own devices and is supported by his mate. With luck and the right partner, this frame of mind can last and be prolonged. However, as life's disappointments accumulate, obstacles mount, the possible sorted out from the improbable and time inexorably passes â€" the feeling of well being and of willingness to take on the world and its challenges abates. The reserves of energy and determination dwindle. Gradually, the person slides into a dysphoric (even anhedonic or depressed) mood which colours his entire life.

The coloration stops at nothing. The routines of his life, their mundane attributes, the contrast between the glamour of our dreams (however realistically construed) and the reality of our day to day existence â€" these erode his previous horizon. It tends to shrink and imprison him in what looks like a life sentence. He feels suffocated and in his bitterness and agony, in his fear of entrapment, he lashes at his spouse. She represents to him this dead end situation. Had it not been for this new responsibility â€" he would not have let his life atrophy thus. Thoughts of breaking loose, of going back to the parental nest, of revoking the arrangements agreed upon begin to frequent the troubled mind and to intrude upon al planning. Dismantling the existing is a frightening prospect. Again, panic sets it. Conflict rears its ugly head. Cognitive dissonance abounds. Inner turmoil leads to irresponsible, self-defeating and self-destructive behaviour. A lot of marriages end here. Those that survive do so because of children.

In his quest for an outlet, a solution, a release of the bottled tensions, an exit from numbing boredom, from professional inertia and "death" â€" both members of the couple (providing they still possess the minimal wish to "save" the marriage) hit upon the same idea but from different directions. The woman finds it an attractive and efficient way of securing the bonding, fastening the relationship and transforming it into a long-term commitment. Bringing a child to the world is perceived by her to be a "double whammy" (partly because of social and cultural conditioning during the socialization process). On the one hand, it is in all likelihood the glue to cement the hitherto marriage of fun or of convenience. On the other, it is the ultimate manifestation of her femininity. Children are, therefore, brought to the world as an insurance policy against the disintegration of their parents' relationships. Love and attachment follow later.

The male reaction is more compounded. At first, the child is (at least unconsciously) perceived to be an extension of the state of entrapment and stagnation. The man realizes that a child will only "drag him deeper" into the quagmire. The quicksand characteristics of his life seem to be only amplified by this new entrant. The dysphoria deepens and matures into full-fledged panic. It then subsides and gives way to a sense of awe and wonder. As it increases, it becomes all-pervasive. A psychedelic feeling of being part parent (to the child) and part child (to his own parents) ensues. The birth of the child and his first stages of development only serve to deepen this odd sensation.

Child rearing is a difficult task. It is time and energy consuming. It is emotionally taxing. It denies the parent long obtained achievements and long granted rights (such as privacy or intimacy or self-indulgence or even sleep). It is a full-blown crisis and trauma with potentially the severest consequences. The strain on the relationship of the parents in enormous. They either completely break down â€" or are revived by the common challenge and hardships. A period of collaboration and reciprocity, of mutual support and increasing love follows. An euphoric phase sets in. Everything else pales besides the little miracle. The child becomes the centre of Narcissistic feelings, of hopes and fears, the heart of an emotional tornado. So much is vested and invested in him and, initially, the child gives so much in return that it blots away the daily problems, tedious procedures, failures, disappointments and aggravations. But this role of his is temporary. The more autonomous a child becomes, the more knowledgeable, the less innocent â€" the less rewarding, the more frustrating, the sadder the scene, the more dysphoric. The children's adolescence, the dysfunction of a couple, the members of which grew apart, developed separately and are estranged â€" set the scenery and pave the way to the next major dysphoria: the midlife crisis.

This, essentially, is a crisis of reckoning, of inventory taking, a disillusionment, a realization and assimilation of one's mortality. The person looks back and sees how little he has achieved, how short the time left, how unrealistic his expectations were and are, how alienated he is from his society, his country, his culture, his closest, how ill-equipped he is to cope with all this and how irrelevant and unhelpful is marriage is. To him, it is all a fake, a Potemkin village, a facade behind which rot and corruption have consumed his life and corroded his vitality. This seems to be a last chance to recuperate, to recover lost ground, to strike one more time. Aided by others' youth (a young lover, students, his own children, a young partner or consultant, a start up company) the person tries to recreate his beginnings in a vain effort to make amends, not to commit the same mistakes twice. This crisis is exacerbated by the "empty nest" syndrome (as children grow up and live the parental home). A major topic of consensus, a catalyst of interaction between the members of the couple thus disappears. The vacuity of the relationship, the gaping hole formed by the termites of a thousand marital discords is revealed. It is the couple's chance to fill it in with empathy and mutual support. Most fail, however. They discover that they lost faith in their powers to rejuvenate each other. They are suffocated by fumes of grudges, regrets and sorrows. They want out into a fresher (younger) atmosphere. And out they go. Those who do remain, revert to accommodation rather than to love, to co-existence rather to experimentation, to arrangements of convenience rather to revival. It is a sad sight to behold. As biological decay sets in, the couple heads into the ultimate dysphoria: ageing and death.

And here is another random article you might be interested in...

Malta Property Buyers Guide

Buying a Home in Malta & Gozo

The Republic of Malta is a small country located in the Mediterranean Sea. This Southern European country encompasses Malta, Gozo, Comino and few other uninhabited islands. Malta is located at about 100 kilometers to the South of the Italian island of Sicily and 300 kilometers to the east of North Africa. Malta is a member country of the European Union since 2004.

Malta is blessed with beautiful sunny days almost round the year and the temperature never goes beyond comfortable levels. It rarely rains here and it never lasts for a long duration continuously. The annual rainfall in the country is only around 600mm. Added to this is the low tax structure in the country which will be an additional incentive for foreign investment.

Excellent and healthy weather conditions, cosmopolitan society, beautiful sea coast landscapes, friendly people and good health care facilities are the factors fondly remembered by tourists visiting the country. Many tourists make Malta their annual vacation destination.

Valletta is the capital city of Malta

Malta economy

Malta became popular a transit location for ships after the opening of Suez Canal in the middle of the eighteenth century. The county's economy was at its peak during this period and sustained it for about a decade. With the advent of new generation sea liners, Malta lost its importance.

In recent times, lime stone business and tourism are the major economic activities in the country. Statistics indicate continuous increase in the number of foreign tourists visiting the country. The government has catalyzed this growth by investing on infrastructural facilities to suit the needs and lifestyles of foreign visitors. Liberalization and foreign direct investments have accelerated this growth and now Malta is back to its past economic glory.

Financial transactions

Maltese Lira (MLT) is the authorized currency in Malta. The conversion rate of this currency as on March 1, 2007 is:

1 Maltese Lira = 3.06899 US Dollars

1 Maltese Lira = 1.56507 British Pound

1 Maltese Lira = 2.32188 Euro

Exchange of foreign currency is not at all difficult in Malta, indicating the true cosmopolitan nature of the country. Popular foreign currencies can be exchanged easily in banks, foreign exchange bureaus and large hotels. Some of the foreign exchange bureaus are open 24 hours for the benefit of the customers. Automated foreign exchange machines are also located at many places in the country. Many large shops and restaurants also accept foreign currency. Traveler's cheque can be exchanged in authorized foreign exchange agencies in the country.

American express, Visa, Master card and Diners club credit cards are accepted in the country. Malta has good number of ATM to take care of your cash liquidity, if the need arises.

Infrastructural facilities

Malta's healthcare services are among the best in the world. Services offered in general and private hospitals are excellent. Private schools in Malta mostly follow British system of education and teach in English. Roads in Malta are being improved to make it suitable for international tourism development. The main advantage for UK citizens is that British driving license is valid here and you drive on the left side of the road. Good ferry services connect the islands and there is also a helicopter service connecting Malta and Gazo.

Hotels, restaurants and bars are available in plenty in the country. Malta is also well known for its carnivals and club outings. The infrastructure is so good that international level carnivals can be conducted here.

The county's business infrastructure is excellent with good communication facilities. The government has formulated many incentive packages and tax concessions to attract foreign investment.

Popular locations in Malta

Malta is a small country and all places within Malta can be covered within a day or two. Total area of Malta is around 245 square kilometers and Gozo has an area of just about 70 square kilometers. The length of Malta Island at the widest point is about 25 Kilometers and width at the maximum is just about 15 kilometers. In case of Gozo Island, the figures are 15 and 7 square kilometers respectively.

Malta is frequented by many foreign tourists round the year, mainly from European countries. UK accounts for nearly 50 % of the tourists visiting the country. UK citizens feel at home here because English is spoken a lot here and the weather is predominantly sunny.

Historical places

The country is proud of its long history and there are innumerable historically significant locations all around Malta and Gozo islands. The museums, the palace and churches in Valletta are few representatives of the history of the land.

Sight seeing

Malta has a vast coastal line with beaches that have crystal clear water, long sand stretches and naturally formed small rocky bays. Anchor bay and Paradise bay in the north, Peter's pool and Pretty bay in the south and Ramla bay and blue lagoon in Gozo and Comino are a few such beaches. City tours can be a very beautiful experience. Country side tours are energizing due the unspoiled natural beauty of the area and hospitality of local people.

Sports facilities

Sports lovers will appreciate the sports clubs located in the country offering variety of sports facilities such as tennis, golf, swimming, squash, cricket, indoor games and general health and fitness facilities. Marsa Sports club and Union Club in Sliema are frequented by foreign nationals as the facilities are excellent and of international quality.

Sea diving enthusiasts will love Malta as the sea temperature seldom goes beyond the comfortable range of 13 to 25 degree Centigrade­­ and the sea around the country is quite calm without any major tides. Excellent diving schools are available in Malta and diving gear can be leased near the beaches. A diving permit is required for divers in Malta.

Yachting is another popular sports activity in Malta. Excellent maintenance and sheltering facilities are available all around the country for all yachts of all sizes.

Malta Real estate

Main considerations for buying a property in Malta are the ambience and the price. In rural surroundings, real estate prices are much less than in the cities. Beach properties are the costliest in Malta. However one is never very far away from the beach considering the size of the country. Gozo island real estate will suitable for foreigners who love leisurely way of life. Many properties here are in rural surroundings and invariably overlook the sea. This is an ideal place for retirement settling.

With tourism activity increasing in the country, buying a property for rental purposes is lucrative. Government approval is required for foreigners to rent a property. Rental returns of five to six percent are feasible and the returns are dependent on the location and condition of the property.

Legal issues Real estate purchase in Malta

The legal system in Malta is based on the English system. The real estate purchase process is straight forward and simple and should not be a hurdle, particularly for foreigners from UK.

Foreigners have certain restrictions for purchasing property in Malta. These restrictions are basically formulated to protect the interest of local residents and keeping in view the limited property available for sale due to small size of the nation.

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People form EU countries that are living in Malta continuously for more than five years can purchase more than one property in the country. There is no need for any government approval

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Other EU nationals who have lived for less than five years in Malta or living elsewhere can purchase single residential or commercial property without any permission

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All other foreigners need permission from the Ministry of Finance for buying a real estate property in Malta

In some notified areas of Malta and Gazo where property prices are very high, no foreigners can freely buy any number of real estate properties without any approval. In case of any doubt on this issue, it is necessary to check with Ministry of Finance before entering into any real estate contract in Malta

Purchasing process

Preliminary agreement

Once a property is identified as suitable for buying, the price is negotiated between the buyer and seller. The logical next step is to sign a preliminary agreement to seal the transaction. The buyer also deposits 10 % of the value of the property as a token of commitment for the purchase. A reliable advocate can help in drafting and finalizing this agreement

This finalization of this agreement generally takes about three months. This time can be utilized fruitfully for getting the government approval for the purchase and to complete the research on the property ownership and registration.

Purchase contract

Once the buyer is satisfied that the property is legal and the permission for the purchase is in place, the next step is to sign the final contract. The buyer's lawyer generally prepares this document. The contact is signed by both the parties. All the payments that are due are settled by the buyer and the document is registered with the appropriate agency in order to legalize the change of ownership.

Stamp duties, legal fees and all other dues are settled by the buyer. The total time taken for the entire process is normally around five months. UK citizens will cherish the fact that the complete documentation is in English language.

Real estate purchase finance

The ideal arrangement to finance your purchase is through your own funds but this is seldom the case. Property mortgage is readily available in Malta and the banks finance up to 90 % of the funds. However the repayment period and interest levels in Malta are higher than in the United Kingdom. Banks in UK can also finance your real estate project in Malta.

The quantum of funds required, preferred repayment period, repayment capacity, forecasted foreign exchange rates etc are some of the factors that can influence the final decision for the mortgages. It is preferable to consult an expert in the relevant area for calculated decision in this regard.

Cost of purchasing

Buyers often tend to forget that additional costs, other than the negotiated purchase price can inflate the total cost of the purchase. Buyers should always compare the 'total' cost with their allowable budget to make the final decision on the purchase of the property.

Real estate transactions attract a stamp duty of 5 % in Malta and notary fee of 1 %. In addition to this, if the services of an advocate or agents are utilized in the process they have to be paid the appropriate fee. It is a good practice to define their roles and fee in advance to avoid any misunderstanding when the amount is paid. Traveling expenses, hotel accommodation and all other incidental expenses also need to be considered to arrie at the total cost.

It is reasonable to allocate around 12 % of the purchase price for additional costs and other expenses. You may finally end up with little surplus money in hand which will be a good thing.

If the property requires remodeling, provision has to be made for such expenses also in the budget.

Malta property taxes

Foreigners will be happy to note that there are no annual taxes on real estate properties in Malta. Malta does not levy any capital gain tax. However one should be careful before selling the property. If the owner sells a property that was not his primary residence for the last three years, a hefty amount is charged as transfer tax.

There is no inheritance tax in Malta as long as there inherited property is not sold. But transfer tax is levied if an inherited property is sold.

Travel documents

As Malta is an EU member since May 2004, there is no restriction for EU nationals to tour the country. Many country nationals can stay for up to three months as tourists in Malta with a valid passport with no visa. Check with the embassy in the home country and get a complete list of the documents required before traveling to Malta.

Foreigners, who wish to reside permanently in Malta, must apply for a residency permit. Proof of sufficient funds or annual income has to be provided as a support document when applying for this permit. If a foreigner wants to work or start a business in the country, government permission is required.

Malta may make a difference

If you are looking for real estate in a sunny country, rich in culture, Malta is the right choice. Low taxes, relaxed life styles and popularity of the English language are very compelling reasons for a UK citizen to consider looking for a second home in Malta and Gozo islands.