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Home » Family Articles » Living With And Understanding Grief

Living With, And Understanding Grief

Throughout time, mankind has been raised to
produce, and re-produce. As generations and
cultures have developed, aspects or behaviors of
our past ancestors has been saved, discarded, or
perhaps lost. For most North Americans, we have
lost a sense of grief, what it is, and how we go
about doing it. How often do we hear of our
children being taught by their parents, the skill
of how to grieve well? One thing we all
experience in life is loss of the life of someone
near and dear to us. We as human beings, as great
as we are, scientifically speaking, begin to die
the moment we are born, for our cells die
continually from birth onward.

What Is Grief And The Process Of Grieving?

Grief, quickly defined, is our ability to deal
with loss. While we most often look at grief as
an emotional response, it also is reflected in
our social, cognitive, behavioral, philosophical,
and physical dimensions. Grief is most commonly
identified with the death of a loved one close to
us.

Two terms which are often used to mean the same
thing, speak to two different aspects of grief. "
Bereavement" is the state of loss, and "Grief" is
the reaction to loss. While traditionally, when
speaking on the subject of grieving one
immediately assumes this to mean death, but loss
can include loss of employment, friends, pets,
societal status, marriage, our sense of safety,
order in our lives, possessions, etc. Any form of
change in our life that brings with it loss,
results in grief. The way we respond to loss is
strongly influenced by our personality, culture,
family beliefs, as well as our spiritual and
religious beliefs.

Bereavement is a normal part of life for all of
us, although rarely recognized as such. The way
we react to loss can carry over into and harm
many of the relationships around us, and numerous
deep seated "mental illnesses" find their root in
a person at some past point of deep loss.

The Stages Of Grief.

In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published a book "
Death and Dying", MacMillan Publishing Company.
In this book she referred to the five stages of
dealing with catastrophic loss. In her original
text, Kubler-Ross was addressing the emotions a
terminally ill person experiences in coping with
knowing how they will die. In time these stages
have mutated to become known today as "The Five
Stages of Grief". These stages are identified as,
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and
Acceptance.

While some in the field of clinical counseling
believe the grieving process is one stage
followed neatly by the other, truthfully, the
process of grieving is more like a spiraling
roller-coaster ride, where by one can revisit the
prior stages, several times before finally
letting go and moving on to the next stage in the
process. Sometimes we can skip a stage, or go
through three stages simultaneously.

Grieving is a work in progress, and should be
done completely, not assigning a time line which
includes a completion date. Often it's not until
one has gone through the five stages of Grieving,
when all your friends have stopped their
expressions of sympathy, and people think you
should get on with life, that the real work of
grieving begins. Grief work is summarized by the
acronym TEAR. "T" - To accept the reality of loss.
"E" - Experience the pain of loss. "A" - Adjust
to your new environment without the object you
lost. "R" - Reinvest in your new reality.

TEAR can only begin once a person has reached the
"ACCEPTANCE" stage of the 5 Steps Of Grieving.
Giving credence to the argument that in reality
there are 9 stages to the grieving process and
not 5 as many mental health professionals believe,
or have been taught to believe. If we can accept
the identification of 9 stages of grief, then we
must also recognize for those we know and love
who are going through this process, the last 4 of
the nine stages are often journeyed through alone,
after the friends walk away, after the courts
assign closure to the legal processes, after
those around you begin to believe it's time you
need to get on with your life. It's at stage 6
where the real work of grieving begins, for one
begins and goes through this work very, very,
very much alone.

How Long Does Grieving Take?

While cultures over the history of man have
assigned periods of time to this process, we
truly never stop grieving the object of our loss
in life. When we reflect on that loss, we will
respond and react emotionally to varying degrees,
and for varying periods of time. While some have
said. "Time heals all wounds", in the case of
grieving this is not so, we, over time, grieve to
a lesser level of intensity, and perhaps shorter
periods of time, learning to move on with life in
the face of our loss, but we rarely forget the
object of our loss.

The key to grieving is to embrace it and grieve
well.

And here is another random article you might be interested in...

Instilling Urgency In The People You Lead

Summary: The author draws a lesson from a classic radio skit to show leaders how they might raise their activities to new levels of awareness and commitment.

A classic radio skit by comedian Jack Benny involved Benny being held up on the street by a man with a gun. "Your money or your life," the gunman said to Benny, who portrayed himself in character as an inveterate tightwad. There was a long pause. The gunman repeated, "Your money or your life."

"I'm thinking!" said Benny. "I'm thinking!"

Whenever I remember that skit, I think of leadership. The portrayal of Benny's stage character, a skinflint equally concerned for his money as for his life, gives a kind of sideways, albeit humorous, glimpse into the nature of human commitment. For some people, there are things as important or more important than one's life.

I submit that leadership involves such commitment -- maybe not as extreme as offering up one's life (though history clearly shows many leaders have) but none-the-less that calls for our total devotion.

Leadership is not just position or even performance. It's much more. It's a life-quest. I am not saying it should be more important than your life; I am saying that if you are in a position of leadership, you should make your leadership a better part of who you are.

Leadership is important to you in two ways. First, it is a career-maker/breaker. Most careers have at their basis leadership. A human resources director told me. "Brent, we hire people for their skills and knowledge but we promote them or fail to promote them or fire them for their leadership abilities (or lack thereof.) What we hire for and what we fire, promote for are two different things!"

Organizations are hungry for good leadership. And if you can provide it, you have a great career advantage over those who can't, or at least those who provide it ineffectively.

This is especially so if you promote the right kind of leadership. It doesn't mean being an order leader. The days of the order-leader are not just numbered. They're over. Today, leadership is motivational or its stumbling in the dark.

Because in terms of achieving more results faster continually, the order is the lowest form of leadership.

With globalization, businesses worldwide are undergoing changes as radical as any since the Industrial Revolution. With competition increasing dramatically, with the volume and velocity of information multiplying, with information becoming accessible to more and more people, with the traditional, pyramidal structures of order-giving flattening, leaders today need skills akin not to those needed for white-water canoeing.

Order leadership founders in an environment where lines of authority are dynamic, information widely disseminated, markets rapidly changing, and employees empowered. In such an environment, new leadership, motivational leadership, is needed.

In short, the leader who can "have" others get results. That means global leadership is essentially motivational leadership.

That's the kind of leadership needed to achieve such success. Now, here's the tool to make that leadership happen. That tool is The Leadership Talk. Here's what the Leadership Talk is all about.

When it comes to realizing motivational leadership around the world, there is a hierarchy of verbal persuasion. This hierarchy extends to people everywhere, no matter what their culture, what job they hold, or what ambitions they have.

The lowest levels of the hierarchy are speeches and presentations. They communicate information. The highest level, the most effective level is The Leadership Talk. The Leadership Talk not only communicates information. It does something much more. It establishes deep, human, emotional connections with people.

The question isn't, "Why is this connection necessary in terms of getting organizational results?" (After all, the answer is obvious.), the question is, "Why is the Leadership Talk the gold standard for international leadership?"

For one thing, I've had top leaders in top companies worldwide applying it for more than two decades, and it simply works. It's all about helping leaders get what I call "more results faster, continually." You can get those kinds of results on a global scale without the Leadership Talk.

The Leadership Talk is motivational, action-focused, results oriented. When you use it, you'll find it works not only on an organization level but also on a deeply personal level.

And it is in the realm of the deeply personal that leadership comprises the second way its important. This leadership methodology can be of great benefit to your life-relationships, not just your job ones. In fact, it's something you can devote your life to in every relationship every day.

Your leadership or your life? With the Leadership Talk, your leadership IS your life.

2006 © The Filson Leadership Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

PERMISSION TO REPUBLISH: This article may be republished in newsletters and on web sites provided attribution is provided to the author, and it appears with the included copyright, resource box and live web site link. Email notice of intent to publish is appreciated but not required: mail to: brent@actionleadership.com